Ode to Alice

I don’t think I ever actually got the joke about the birds that shit in the priest’s hand, but the best part was watching my parents helplessly wince at their elementary-aged children hearing the “s-word” from their Grandma.  She paid no mind to their rolling eyes and just watched us with a belly-bouncing laugh.  

One could never be sure what sort of dirty (and sometimes racist) jokes, gossip stories, local scandals, or reports of recent deaths would be told upon arrival at 2215 Crescent, but there were certain things that could always be counted on at Grandma’s house:

A bowl of strawberries or grapes on the table.

Dr. Pepper in the fridge.

A bowl of mixed nuts on the counter.

A loaf of white bread in the drawer. 

An item of supposedly vastly underestimated value recently excavated from the basement on the dining table, ready to be reappraised and sold for a great fortune.

Rosaries stuffed in between the couch cushions. 

At Christmas time, a dancing Santa doll that would moon the unsuspecting button-pusher at the end of his jingle.

It was those simple acts of mischief--naked Santas, the jar of nuts with a coiled snake, the fake cockroach under the donut--that never ceased to amuse Grandma.  Reminiscing the glory days with neighbors and visitors was the highlight of her day.  Uncle Bob’s friend leaned over the kitchen table, raising his eyebrows over his down-tilted nose in true George fashion: “Well shoot, we was just sittin ‘round smokin ceegars when ol' Clark sawr one of them brown recluse spiders and he up and killed that thing right der with his shot gun."  Grandma sat with a close-lipped smile, shaking her head and laughing from her shoulders through the entire retelling.  

The epic tales of police run-ins, pranks, and trouble-making are never fact-checked and they often wear a tone of the “And he caught a fish that was this big” kind of story.  But it doesn’t matter.  If your versions contradicts Grandma’s, she’ll just shake her head disappointedly, feeling sorry for your misguidedness.  And then the subject will return to what’s for dinner.